I did not know what to really expect in Chicago. I knew things would be very different from the places I have lived in—northeast India and Japan. I knew I would be studying theology in quite a highly academic seminary/ies (McCormick Theological Seminary and the consortium of Chicago theological schools including the University of Chicago). I did not really know how to prepare myself for what I might be facing in Chicago. I did not know how things would really turn out.

I got here. Things indeed are very different. My understanding of summer to be hot, no matter where, was just proved wrong. Chicago summer is very weird. June, July and August are the summer months, but it actually depends on the day or the time of the day. You can complain the heat with T-shirts one day and the next day you can complain the cold with jacket. Or, you can go out comfortably with sleeveless in the morning and come back five hours later shivering. However, the long days where I can enjoy sunlight until as late as nine at night make me appreciate the summer here. Against the nice apartment I was given and the beautiful neighborhood I live in, the fact that I have to be alert always, no much freedom to walk around on my own at night, being warned time and again to be careful since the neighborhood is not very safe, not only make me nervous, but also frustrated.  

My first three weeks is mostly summer language program for new international students. I had expected the summer program to be a strictly “language” program, and after three weeks, I can say that that is not what I get. This, however, never mean that I am disappointed. Rather, I deeply enjoy sharing my stories and listening to my classmates’ stories. We indeed have come from different parts of the world. I get to talk with different people, from a Christian woman from a 100% Christian country like Armenia where women cannot be ministers to a gay pastor from Argentina, from a woman scientist seeking ordination from Europe to an incarcerated middle-aged man from El Salvador, and many others from South Korea, of course. Different colors I see (already) in my program before seminary classes. Must I need to re-define my definition of seminary/Bible school? Maybe. But I do think God has indeed called us together from widely different places.

I also enjoy talking with strangers in Chicago streets, along Michigan lake, at the parks. These “strangers” as well as the movies, readings and field trips in the summer program tell me real stories of my neighborhood more than books can tell me. Each and every encounter makes me think and compare or relate them with the experiences I have had, as an Indian, and also as someone who lived in Japan for sometime. I assume this is a natural reaction one has when moving into a new environment. Yet, sometimes, no, most of the times, I see Japan, instead of India, as occupying a larger basis for my judgment as I compare and relate my encounters of my new place. Well, I flew from Tokyo, not Delhi. But, does that explain? This sometimes makes me seriously, or else frustratingly, think who I really am now: can I still be purely a northeast Indian woman, or am I more a Japanese now, a mixture of both or neither; also, what do I want to be, if I can ever choose. For these questions, I do not have answers (yet), and that is one reason why I say frustrating.

I did not expect to see only whites in my new neighborhood, but I did assume whites to be the majority, which I now doubt is the case. More than that I am shocked to see that there, apparently, are still tensions between whites and blacks. And out of the many new encounterings I have had, this I must say this is one most significant one, and that affects me in quite a disturbing way. I wish I could do away with questioning myself about myself, but I just cannot do that. While silently asking these things myself, the summer program requires me to read articles, watch movies, talk to strangers in the street, listen and talk about colors or racism in this country. Certainly, color or racism is not the main focus of the summer program, and we do work on “academic English.” Nonetheless, something kept on stealing my attention: tensions remain between colors or races in the US, particularly between blacks and whites, which I thought was history. My point here though, is more than that I am shocked or upset to see that such tensions and sensitivity remain even today. My reaction to it is more like “What has this got to do with me??” I have enough questions to ask myself about myself. What help are these issues going to give me in finding myself more, or how are they going to help me in my studies, or in my preparation for future ministry, which would, most probably be either in India or Japan, most probably neither to blacks nor whites.

I am an Indian, born and brought up in India—land of different cultures and peoples. From my kindergarten to university, from my neighborhood to public places in India, I always have people with different cultures (or better say ‘color’) and languages around me. Needless to say there are inferiority complexes, clashes and killings (even bigotry?) between tribes, and unintentional sensitivities and tensions arise very often. [I admit that tension between blacks and whites are incomparable to issues in northeast India in many respects]. However, what do I gain by too much bothering myself with such issues of racism here, if I am not preparing myself to be involved in pacifying (or solving) such things. Or perhaps I am bothered by these issues because they reflect what I have seen at my home state? Who knows! But I have learnt (or have been taught intentionally or unintentionally) to learn how to get what I want and to avoid such issues/uprisings. Of course I participate if obligated or compelled; otherwise, I avoid, not to be harmed unnecessarily. I came here to study theology and the Bible, so I feel that all that I have encountered already in my first three weeks are extra loads. to my trying to find my ‘self’, and that is why I said this is disturbing.

However, on the positive side, I think all these encounters make me think in a new way. Perhaps it is possible to understand things better by not necessarily studying the “things” themselves, but by studying something else similar. By studying the relations between colors in America—not just as stories from history, but rather as present realities and experiencing them myself, I can compare and contrast, and my study of ‘my thing’ becomes more efficient and effective. As such, I hope to be able to understand myself, situations back home more realistically, and I trust this will better prepare me to be effective in my future ministry.

[From the personal diary of Chingboi Guite
July 24, 2009 / Chicago, IL]